Dealing With Anger

This post is very long over due, as it's a very personal issue to me. I've had a lot of trouble in the past (and occasionally still in the present) with feelings of anger. It's such an overpowering emotion and we WILL all experience this at some point in our lives. This post is not about removing all feelings of anger you will ever have, but is about DEALING with your anger in a positive and healthy way.

Where does anger come from?

99% of the time, the reason behind our anger will stem from a situation not going the way we had planned it to. We will have a very clear picture in our mind of how this certain thing will happen - No matter how small or how large. Whether it be carrying a plate to the kitchen or wishing an ill loved one to recover. We generally plan the outcome subconsciously in our minds. (e.g.)

"I will take this plate of food to the kitchen and wash it"

OR

"They WILL recover, they'll be fine and everything will be okay(!)"

We get our planned outcome so drilled in to our heads, that we begin to forget about the lack of control we actually have over these life occurrences.

Suddenly the plate slips and smashes all over the floor..

OR

In a turn of events, our loved one passes..

We didn't plan for this, in our heads we were so sure of the outcome that we don't know how to accept this change. So as a sort of human default setting, we become angry. Not only at ourselves, but at the situation itself, as if this had all somehow conspired against us. A regular thought at times like this is..

"WHY ME"?

Again, no matter how small or large the issue actually is. We will feel victimised by our own lives.

In reality all that's actually happened is something we didn't plan. But due to our trouble accepting that we aren't able to micro-manage all aspects of our lives, we cause ourselves suffering.. In the form of anger. It's like a subconscious punishment on our brains for not performing what we deem to be correct. The key to removing these feelings all comes from the acceptance that we inevitably cannot control all elements of day to day life - As I always say, life flows from one thing to the next, so just let it. What needs to happen will happen so welcome changes and unexpected turns with an open heart and an open mind.

I'm not saying that next time you stub your toe or bang your head that it's wrong or "unspiritual" to want to curse, shout and blame that object for causing you pain! But what you can do is work on your turnaround time. Find it in yourself to take a step back and analyse the situation for what it really is.

- Is it really the fault of the door that you walked into it?

- Is it really the fault of yourself that you walked into this door?

The answers are no, there was no fault. There was simply a moment where two collections of atoms collided in an accidental turn of events. No anger needs to come of this situation. Simplify what has happened before deciding how to respond. This can be hard in the moment, but slowing your thought process down and learning the level of response to give to a situation is an amazing lesson to learn and can also prevent a lot of suffering in the future.

Turnaround Time?

I mentioned something called 'turnaround time' - This is essentially the time it takes you to recover from whatever incident you are introduced to. So you've dropped your plate and it's smashed.

Do you curse, shout and sob before reluctantly beginning to clear it away. Then carry these negative feelings through the rest of your day and apply them to all other situations that arise throughout the day and then eventually settle on the idea that you had a 'bad day'?

OR

Do you simply see that the plate has smashed and consider your options before realising that whether you cry, shout or curse, the plate is still broken. Then continue to clear the mess mindfully. Taking this time to be with your thoughts and viewing this task just as something you hadn't planned on doing today, as opposed to being a 'problem' to be avoided?

This is what turnaround time is all about, basically how long you take to forgive and accept the unexpected situations that will arise throughout your day and life. Learning to work with acceptance is the biggest help when learning to make our turnaround time as fast and healthy as possible.

Anger directed at a person

This is definitely an area I struggle with, I've been able to handle it a lot better recently - But I still find myself having negative feelings directed towards certain people. What this person does to anger you is irrelevant. Harnessing harsh thoughts towards another person for any reason will have absoloutely no effect on them, only on yourself and your mind. It's also a lot harder in these situations to tell yourself that no one is at fault. Your intital reaction is obviously to place blame and wish karma on their ass!

I've always said that cutting ties with people who have negative effects on you is totally fine and I stand by this. However it is possible to remove someone from your life without having bad vibes in the mix. What I've learned is that what you don't know won't hurt you. if you aren't seeing the actions of this person any longer then how can it possibly have any affect on your life? You've essentially removed this problem without having to cause yourself (or anyone else involved) grief. The temptation to become involved can be very hard to resist, but you must always have your own best interests at heart. If your actions will have any other affect on you but positive then why subject yourself to it?

So whether you're in a face to face confrontation or a social-network dispute, as cheesy and common as this line sounds, it really is the best advice I can give you and that is simply, do not rise to it. Instead try and take a step back and take a deeper look at this person, see them for who they really are. We're all alone together on this one planet. In the grand scheme of things we're all just a creation from stardust and atoms, every single one of us is so important and such a phenomenon. It's hard to see the bad in anyone when you look close enough. So does any of it really matter? Will it be something you carry with you to the grave? If the answer is no then there is absoloutely no reason for you to hold on to it for a second longer. There is no reason for your mind to enter in to the realm of negativity and dispute. It's also a lot harder to harness anger towards anyone you view as your utter equal. You should put everyone on your level, put no one on a pedastal and put no one beneath you. We're all made from the same stuff and all capable of the same levels of creativity. I read this amazing quote in my favourite book once:

"We only need to remember when we were children who gazed at the sky and the drifting clouds. There was nothing to do, nothing to achieve. There was no notion of time nor any guilt for 'wasting' it. Time and guilt are concepts we learn about much later in life."

If we think this way not only about ourselves, but all others to. Then think of how hard it would be to conjure up the emotions to dislike, let alone 'hate' another being.

I hope you have enjoyed my first post on Anger. This had been sitting in my journal for a while and I finally found the words and time to get it published, I can't wait to hear your comments and read through your messages! I'll be doing a lot more 'Dealing With' posts - The next will be 'Dealing With Acceptance'. If there's anything else you would like me to delve deeper in to then please send me an email directly through the contact page. I'm currently trying to piece together new posts from the requests I've had so far - I love vibing off your ideas for posts so keep them coming and thank you very much!

Namaste, Brooke x

#advice